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Birth Parents: Surviving the Emotional Complexities of Adoption
Celebrating 50 years of protecting and supporting families, the Illinois Department of Children and Family Services (DCFS) has successfully assisted with the adoption of more than 17,000 children over the past decade. By providing these children the opportunity to find love and permanent homes, there lies perhaps an even more personal story hidden behind the scenes. For every child adopted through the DCFS, there is a birth parent experiencing an array of emotions.
Adoption.net, a relatively new informational adoption source, recently opened a forum discussion targeting the difficulties facing birth parents. The forum offers advice for compartmentalizing the emotions often associated with this life-altering decision. Feelings of intense loss, shame and guilt often proceed resolution over making this difficult decision.
The site offers an informative and constructive fact sheet highlighting the following topics, all of which may prove helpful to all the parents involved in the adoption process.
Illinois Right of First Refusal
Changes to the Illinois family law that went into effect in January mean divorced co-parents will need to notify their ex-spouse any time they plan to leave their children with a caregiver for more than four hours. This could have a serious impact on long-standing child care arrangements, particularly in situations where a couple has been divorced for a longer period of time.
According to Illinois HB 2992, parents who share joint custody of their children must offer their ex-spouse the opportunity to care for the couple’s children temporarily before seeking third-party care for any period more than four hours. As long as the co-parent lives within a reasonable distance, they must be offered the opportunity to provide care before a babysitter can be hired and before the child can be left with grandparents or at a daycare facility.
What is the Cost of Adoption?
According to the U.S. government, it will cost approximately $245,000 to raise a child in this country. However, if that child is adopted, the Child Welfare Information Gateway says parents should add on up to $40,000 – the total amount it could cost to adopt a child.
The Child Welfare Information Gateway is a division of the U.S Department of Health and Human Services. The agency provides information for people who are looking to adopt. According to their statistics, the average cost to adopt can be anywhere between $8,000 and $40,000. For foreign country adoptions, the cost can fall between $15,000 and $30,000. Parents who are seeking to adopt an older child through foster care can anticipate costs from $0 to $2,500.
The largest expense in adoption is usually the adoption agency fee. Adoption agencies match parents to babies and their fees vary greatly. Some agencies will charge a large up-front fee which has everything included. Other agencies will charge a smaller fee, but charge extra for many of the same services agencies that charge larger fees include in their totals.
Money Topics Engaged Couples Should Discuss
There are many issues that an engaged couple should discuss before they actually get married. Often, a couple gets so caught up in the romance of the event that they forget about the practical and important financial issues that should be decided before the actual walk down the aisle happens. And since money is one of the most common reasons why married couples argue, there are certain topics that should be discussed to avoid major problems between the couple in the future.
Both partners should share with each other how they see their shared future. They should both have a clear understanding of whether or not they both want children and how many. They also both need to have a clear understanding about where they would like to raise that family, such as in the city, suburbs or in the country. Both partners also need to be aware of any future career goals their future spouse may have and how those goals could impact their life together.
Three Cs Of Mediation
When your family is in transition, you need to find a way to bring matters to a conclusion and move on to the next chapter of your life. That is not always easy to do in a divorce or child custody case because there is so much emotion involved and, even for couples who stay together, child rearing issues never really go away.
An experienced family law mediator can step in and help. Before we get to the heart of the matter, there is an important preliminary issue. It is very important to seek out an attorney-mediator who is certified in family law. Some other professionals may not understand all the financial, emotional and legal questions involved in Illinois family law matters.
Cost
Divorce is expensive. One oft-quoted statistic is that the average divorce costs $15,000. Although the number of extremely costly divorces in America may artificially drive up the average, one thing is certain: divorce is always more expensive than you had originally anticipated. Mediation reduces legal fees. Rather than spending months preparing for a three- or four-day trial, attorneys may spend a few days preparing for a mediation that lasts a few hours. Generally speaking, there is also less pretrial discovery, which means fewer hours that the lawyer must bill on the case.Civility
Child Support Basics in Illinois
Divorcing your spouse can be difficult. Divorcing your spouse when you have children together can be exponentially more difficult. Separating parents must consider the effects the process may have on their children and how life may be different post-divorce. Arrangements for custody, visitation, and support of the children need to be negotiated and sometimes litigated. While custody and visitation agreements may differ greatly due the circumstances unique to each family, Illinois law provides a guideline that courts are expected to follow when deciding and calculating child support.
Who Pays Support?
Under Illinois law, the court may require one or both parents "to pay an amount reasonable and necessary for the support of the child, without regard to marital misconduct." The law allows for the possibility that the child may reside with someone other than a parent after the divorce, but, in practice, the court will typically require the non-residential or non-custodial parent to pay child support.
Legal Issues Parents of Children Born Out-of-Wedlock May Face
A recent survey revealed that more and more Americans are not waiting to get married before they begin to have children. This trend is especially growing among college educated adults. But having a child out-of-wedlock may raise several legal issues that could need to be addressed.
Out of 9,000 adults between the ages of 26 to 31 years of age, more than 50 percent of the women were mothers. Of that number, 64 percent had at least one child out-of-wedlock, and almost half had all of their children out-of-wedlock. The statistics for men in the group were very similar to the women.
Unmarried parents who have children together may find themselves facing several family law issues that they did not anticipate, including paternity, child custody and support. In this state, Illinois Parentage Act of 1984 established the rules for children born to unwed parents.
What Happens to the Children when Same-Sex Families Break Up?
With more and more states enacting same-sex marriage laws, there will also be same-sex divorces that take place. For many divorcing same-sex couples, child custody will also be a major issue to negotiate.
Many same-sex couples become parents by using either surrogate mothers or sperm donors. For couples who use surrogate mothers, often the surrogate’s eggs are fertilized with one or both of the male couple’s sperm and the baby is then the biological child of one of the spouses. With female couples, often one of the women are impregnated with a sperm from a donor and carries and delivers the baby, making her the biological mother of the child.
A new study has revealed that the biological parentage of children in same-sex relationships has, in the past, played a major role in how the courts are deciding who gets custody of the children. The author of the study, Dr. Abbie Goldberg, found that because there are no definitive laws that protect non-biological parents, they ultimately have no say in whether or not they will be allowed to stay a part of the child’s life that, up until the relationship breakup, they were considered the other parent.
The Breakdown of Communication Does Not Necessarily Dominate Divorce
Numerous studies confirm that the primary contributing factor of divorce is the breakdown of communication. The Huffington Post recently posted the results of yet another study confirming that communication is essential for a successful marriage. The online lifestyle resource, Your Tango, recently polled 100 medical health professionals who in agreement, at 65 percent, still cite the lack of communication as the major contributor to divorce.
Dr. Kelly M. Flanagan, an Illinois licensed psychologist and contributor to The Huffington Post, begs to differ. Dr. Flanagan contributes the following additional factors as possible contributors responsible for the high rate of divorce.
We Like, Therefore We Think We Love
Study: Wedding Sticker Shock May Contribute to America’s Alarming Divorce Rate
Emory University of Atlanta has long held esteem as one of the nation’s premier liberal arts institutions, as well as a global leader in cutting-edge research. One of the most recent research studies released by Emory encapsulates the conception and probability of divorce among American couples. The study, titled "A Diamond is Forever and Other Fairy Tales: The Relationship Between Wedding Expenses and Marriage Duration," concluded that the combined exorbitant expenses of an engagement ring and wedding preparation may determine the duration of the all-American marriage.
Of the 3,000 adults polled, it was discovered that men who set a limit between $2,000 to $4,000 for an engagement ring were 1.3 times more likely to consult with an experienced divorce attorney at some point in the marriage. Those who opted for a $500 to $2,000 price point remained in the marriage. Those who had a lower budget for engagement rings ranging from $0 to up to $500 also faced a higher instance of divorce.
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